I hope that you're all doing well and are enjoying preparing for the holidays. I still can't believe how fast the time goes, in just a few weeks we'll be celebrating Emily's first Christmas and the second without Katie here with us.
I'm not sure if it's the weather, knowing that Christmas is around the corner or what, but I've noticed that I had been feeling a bit more bummed out lately. I miss Katie SO SO much. And instead of being joyful and being the person I know that she wants me to be, I've been feeling sad and focusing on the bad instead of the good.
I won't go on about my complaints but finally I decided to take a step back and look at my life. I have so much to be grateful for, to be joyful about, but instead I've been acting like a brat, focusing on those that have wronged me and getting upset over things that I really shouldn't let bother me.
I know how much I have going for me. But when you're in one of those moods, it's hard to see how good things actually are. If nothing else, I can be bitter and upset for the rest of my life over the fact that my beautiful, amazing daughter died. The thing is, I don't want to live that way. I am sure that my sweet Katelyn is in a better place, I know that she is watching over us, I feel her with us and I know that we will be together again. So rather than be a bitter bitch my entire life, I want to be a sweet, loving, nice person. I want to be the best me that I can be.
Today my back was aching and my sweet husband and daughter had already fallen asleep so I decided to run myself a hot bath. I went into my library (really a large cupboard with 2 bookcases but in my dreams it's the library from Beauty and the Beast ;)) and looked for something good to read. I saw a book that I didn't even know that we had called; "A Simple Act of Gratitude" by John Kralik.
I'm only a few chapters in but it got my brain working differently. Back in 2008 I first saw The Secret and learned how important it is to be grateful for what you have. I used write a gratitude journal, I would go to bed thanking God for things that most people take for granted; the roof over my head, running water, food, heat, etc. As I was reading through A Simple Act of Gratitude it occurred to me that I stopped doing that after Katelyn died.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still polite. I try to send out thank you cards when I receive a gift. I thank those around me for things, and I occasionally have a moment where it all just dawns on me how damn lucky I am to have what I have. But lately I've been spending more time focusing on things I want or wish I had instead of being so damn grateful for this life that I have.
I want to change that. In his book Kralik writes a thank you note to someone everyday. Being grateful for the things you have, the things people do for you, it all just changes you and makes you look at life differently. I'm not going to use this blog as my virtual gratitude journal but I just want to share this and hopefully inspire someone else to remember to be thankful for the things we all take for granted, especially during the holidays.
And if you're hurting or missing a loved one right now, I am sending my love to you. I understand how hard it can be.
(Just as I finished this up, I noticed a notification on my facebook tab and saw that my sister in law tagged me in a photo...this is the photo. Such a great reminder!)