I'll Be Missing You

I've heard this song before Katelyn passed away and used to just think that it was some knockoff of Sting's song but when it came on the radio this afternoon it just took on a whole new meaning after what I've gone through. I was driving around the city that I grew up in, not able to see properly because my eyes were filled with tears and for some reason it really affected me today. Figured I'd share since all of us have lost someone we love at some point or another.


I'll be Missing You by Puff Daddy

A Weekend Away

We just got back from another mini weekend trip to Moncton. The goal was to search for a place to live... and we didn't have much success at that but we still had a great time. It honestly does the soul so much good to get away and be out in nature. The drive itself is so beautiful, surrounded by mountains, water and lots of trees. Once we were there we searched nearby towns to see where we'd like to live, walked along the ocean and spent a bunch of quality time together, just having fun.
We met up for a coffee with our friend Jill and met her sweet little boy and Daniel got to meet some of his new work collegues and had a tour around the building. It was definitely a nice little weekend away. We brought Hope with us this time and stayed in a pet friendly room.

Daniel taking Hope for a walk next to a Tim Hortons off of the highway. Don't you wish your Tim's had THIS view?

This was right across the street from our hotel...

This is actually a view of Moncton from near Magnetic Hill. Completely different from Montreal's crazy busy skyline.

I can't even describe how good it is for your soul to go walk by the ocean. I look forward to doing that often once we move!

:)

We took a drive to a town in NB and saw that NS was only 9 KM away so we drove there JUST so I can say that I've officially set foot in Nova Scotia! Hope is becoming a well travelled dog!

Of course she was looking up at me for like 30 seconds and by the time the flash finally fired she turned her head. Isn't she getting HUGE?

A gift to us from our friend's 3 year old son because "Katie likes butterflies." Isn't that so sweet?!

Preeclampsia

So I've realized that a lot of people who haven't spoken with me in person don't really understand why Katelyn had to be born so early other than "through an emergency C section".

I'll explain to the best of my ability what happened using my personal experience, what the doctors told me and what I've looked up.

When you're pregnant (where I live anyway) starting around weeks 10-12 you go to your doctor once a month. As you're approaching the 3rd trimester the appointments are every 2 weeks. At the appointments the doctor takes your blood pressure, weight, pulse, checks the protein in your urine, and checks the baby's heartbeat.

At my 6 month appointment (26 weeks) my blood pressure was 180/110 when a regular blood pressure should be closer to 120/80. The urine test also came back with too much protein in it.
I was sent to the hospital for more testing. After they did more tests they concluded that I had a disease that only pregnant women get called preeclampsia. To date the only cure for preeclampsia is to get the baby out. They were able to control my blood pressure by keeping me on bed rest and giving me a magnesium drip but from the 14th of July to the 19th Katelyn hadn't grown at all, even though I was stuffing my face with food at the hospital and burning off minimal calories since I was on bed rest. They explained that the placenta was doing its job TOO WELL. It was protecting the baby from the high blood pressure but it was also keeping her from getting nutrients. They told us that at that point, the best chance of keeping her alive would be to get her out.
It sounds like a sick joke, doesn't it? I also found out that you're more likely to get it if you're young, it's your first child and that genetics play a role. My mom's sister, my auntie Dar had HELLP syndrome, which is basically when preeclampsia turns into "eclampsia" and is much more life threatening to the mother. She had my cousin at 30 weeks and he ended up being alright. Her mom's sister, so my great aunt, also had preeclampsia with her first and unfortunately her son didn't make it. I didn't know this until after Katelyn was already born. I had no idea that I was any more at risk of something than anyone else.

They say that you're more at risk to get preeclampsia again if you've had it in the past, especially if it was as severe as I had it. It may only come at 38 weeks, so you have a C section and both mom and baby are fine, or it might happen like it did with Katie. With Katelyn, I don't have regrets because I did everything properly and didn't even know I was at risk for anything. If it happened again and I had to watch another child of mine fight so hard for their life, I don't think we could forgive ourselves. It's really tough. We're not ready for more kids anytime soon anyway, but we don't know what to do. Adoption has crossed our minds, as did fostering, but even though we can never get Katie back physically it would be so wonderful for us to see a resemblance to her in one of her siblings.

I'm going to talk with a high risk pregnancy doctor eventually and figure everything out. I know that they monitor the moms much more closely so if it does come, they catch it early. Its good knowing that my life won't be at risk but it doesn't mean that the baby will be okay. My aunt and great aunt both went on to have more kids and to my knowledge they were all full term.

So yes, when you ask us if we're planning on having more kids... this is where we're at right now. If you ask my opinion, we've had to make too many important decisions for a young couple in their early 20s to make.

Katie at 690g, about 12 hours after she was born. Holding daddy's hand.

Thank You Everyone!

This morning Daniel and I had plans to meet up with an old friend, Brenda, for breakfast. Before heading to the restaurant she stopped by our place and gave us this box:

We opened it up to find a letter and a whole lot of money. The letter went on to explain that this quote from my blog "We were thinking of taking a much needed vacation somewhere right after the funeral is over but I don't know if we'll be able to swing it financially at the moment." got her thinking. She made up a private facebook group and invited a ton of people to contribute money to send us away on a vacation. There was $1425 in total. Some people wrote on the facebook group, others sent quotes with their name and there were even a few cheques. Brenda told me that a lot of people wanted to remain anonymous, so we just want to extend our deepest gratitude. Thank you so much! 


Because insurance was giving him a hard time, Daniel took all of his vacation for the year already so he could spend the most time possible with Katie. We'll put this money in a separate account and go somewhere in early 2013. It'll give us something to look forward to and we'll go somewhere hot next winter.


I can't believe how hot the weather is! It reached 31degrees C and it's still MAY! I think Hope has the right idea!

Katie starring up at daddy as he reads her The Lion King

Butterflies

Starting the day after Katelyn passed, butterflies have been everywhere. I took comfort in seeing them appear right before my very eyes at exactly the right moments. I always figured that since I was conscious of butterflies I was seeing more than I've ever seen before. Sort of similar to when you get a new car and suddenly you see that same car everywhere you go. In so many of your messages, words and sympathy cards, many of you have also mentioned that I'm not alone when it comes to seeing butterflies everywhere. Well, it's not just because we're more conscious of butterflies since Katie "crossed over". Apparently all of these  these butterflies came a month earlier than normal and that they've really never seen anything like it.

They specifically mention Eastern Canada and I haven't mentioned it on here because Daniel hasn't officially gotten his transfer yet, but Daniel and I are going to move to Moncton, New Brunswick this summer. I'm taking this as a sign that Katelyn is giving us her blessing to move there.

I guess this would be an appropriate post to mention that on Katelyn's birthday we're going to go and get her name and a butterfly tattooed on us. I've always been too scared to get a tattoo but I'm going to suck it up and do it!

                                      

I posted the article below but if you want to see the video you'll have to actually click the link because I have no idea how to put it on the blog!

http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/Canada/20120517/butterflies-migration-record-120517/

Canada sees record invasion of butterflies

CTVNews.ca Staff

Date: Thu. May. 17 2012 10:36 AM ET

Millions of red admiral butterflies and their cousins have invaded central and eastern Canada, filling gardens with their fiery orange and black wings.

Nobody knows for sure why the record migration from the Carolinas, Texas and Florida is underway, other than it may have been the warm winter and spring across parts of North America.

"The numbers are unprecedented and we've just never seen anything like it," butterfly distribution expert Max Larrivee told CTV's Canada AM Thursday.

Not only are the butterflies coming north in record numbers, they're also about a month early, he said.

Some estimates have put the number of migrating butterflies at around 300 million, with at least 85 per cent of them being red admirals, Larrivee said from Ottawa.

Painted ladies are also migrating north, he said.

"What we're learning is these things can migrate extremely fast over extremely long distances in very large numbers," Larrivee said.

Red admirals can travel up to 100 kilometres per day, catching wind currents and zooming along high above the ground.

The butterflies migrate to northern breeding grounds and gather food along the way, extracting nectar from flowering trees and plants, even the common dandelion.

Larrivee said he doesn't think the record migration - at least 10 times the normal number of butterflies - is an ominous sign of a changing environment.

"I don't think we need to be worried, it is just fascinating, one of the consequences of a potential global warming," he said.

Some experts have predicted the frequency and size of the mass migrations will increase, Larrivee said.

"Where it could be an issue is some of these species, especially in the case of moths, could become pests," he said.

His counterparts in the United States used social media and email to let butterfly experts up north know that the mass migration of winged insects was on its way.

The past week has been a bit rough. Sunday was Mother's Day and it was a really hard day for me. Seeing so many other moms spend time with their children, get cards, flowers, gifts...all just for being a mom is really hard when your only child is in heaven instead of in your arms. I'm still a mother and will always be a mother, even if I don't have any more kids, but at times it feels as though me being a mom is an afterthought to everyone. I have my own angel watching over me but I miss her physical presence so, so much.

                                           

Yesterday was the 15th, which means that it's already been a month since Katie passed away. It feels as though I was JUST with her but it also feels like it's been forever since I've seen her. Sometimes I don't know how I'll live the rest of my life without seeing and holding her again.


I know everyone means well and sometimes things come out the wrong way, but if you're unsure of how to approach the subject of Katelyn with me in person, here are some things that will make it easier:

1) Please don't pretend she never existed. She's my daughter and while you think it brings me sadness to talk about her...it hurts more that people DON'T mention her. To quote Elizabeth Edwards " If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died-- you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered they lived, and that is a great gift.
She is still my daughter, my first born child and she will always be apart of my life. I love her and love when other people talk about my sweetheart.

2) It does not bring comfort to us when people tell Dan and I that we're young and will have more kids. I don't know if these people didn't get the memo but children cannot be replaced. We're not worried about having other kids. We're grieving the passing of Katelyn. I can have 60 more kids and none of them will be Katelyn, so why would anyone assume this would be a comforting thought?

3) Someone actually asked me if I was getting over it. Seriously. Wrong choice of words... I'm going through it and I'm doing OKAY but no, I'm not "getting over" my daughter's death.

4) I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve but sometimes I think I should. People see that we're doing alright and tend to forget that we're going through any parent's worst nightmare. I'm getting up and out in the morning, living my life and making the best of everything because I know Katie wouldn't want us to curl in a ball and stop living. Given our situation, we're doing okay, but it's as though some people forget what we're going through. I'm not "me". I'll probably never be back to the old "me" again. I still cry myself to sleep and wonder why people who treat their children like shit get to be parents while I was a good mom and my daughter was taken away too soon. I wonder why people who spend their life with a cigarette hanging out of their mouths have perfectly fine lungs while Katelyn died because her lungs were too sick. If her lungs were okay she'd still be alive and there are people who have the gift of health who don't even give a crap.

5)  People have been asking me if I'm going to get a job. It seems innocent enough but what they may not realize is that I was going to be a stay at home mom. If Katie was still alive no one would be asking me if I was going to go work so when this comes up right now, it's insult to injury. I'm not ready to go to work. We're in a transition period in our lives...we're planning a big move, we have a puppy and we're trying to get by without Katelyn in our lives. I'll get a job when the time feels right, but please stop asking me about it.

We bought this in Moncton and keep it next to Katie's teddy bear urn

Here is something nice that is good for anyone who has ever lost a loved one.

Love is Never Ending

Well, we're back to the real world and so far, so good. Daniel is doing a progressive return to work...3 days this week and next, then 4 days for 2 weeks, then back to full time.

I've been keeping busy, running errands, packing, training Hope and visiting family and friends. Things are good.

I've mentioned on here about my beautiful Swarovski butterfly earrings that I bought for Katelyn's funeral. Well, my mom's coworkers put together money and bought me the matching necklace. I wear them both everyday. Seriously, I'm at the park training Hope in jeans and a hoodie all decked out in my crystal necklace and earrings.

Here are two beautiful and very special songs by my all time favourite musician, Brad Paisley:  Hope you enjoy them as much as I do!


When I Get Where I'm Going

Love is Never Ending